Keeping it Real

One of the more rewarding parts of being a therapist is that I have the honor to develop authentic and meaningful relationships with my clients. It is in that space—where I show up as my true self and help my clients to do the same—that the magic of therapy happens. Authenticity is essential, but does not mean that I share every detail of my life with my clients. Instead, my reactions, facial expressions, temperment, and conversations are all true to how I am feeling in that moment. You will not find fake tears or forced smiles in my office, and modeling this way of communicating can be powerful. When I relate to my clients with honesty, curiosity, and unconditional positive regard, it opens the door for deeper exploration, insight, and lasting change.

I often talk to clients about how important it is to be real with the people in their lives, but I also know how difficult that can be. It is hard to find spaces where we can truly be ourselves, without fear of judgment or rejection. Friends and family, though they may love us, are often inclined to people-please, soothe, or even get defensive or hurt when we try to engage in honest conversations. But in the therapeutic space, my goal is to foster an environment of love over fear, and curiosity over judgment.

I once saw a client who was brilliant, fascinating, and an absolute joy to work with. However, there was one thing—during our sessions, I kept getting drawn into intellectual debates. This client, who was clearly passionate about their beliefs, had a way of pulling me into sparring matches that veered far from the goals of our work together. I found myself frustrated with both the session and with myself for letting it happen. I kept thinking, I need to stay focused. How do I avoid getting into a debate?

Finally, I decided the best thing I could do was to simply call it out. I said, “You know, I am noticing that I am having a hard time not getting drawn into a debate with you right now, and I am wondering—what is happening here? What is getting me to argue with you doing for you?”

To my surprise, the client told me they were not trying to get me to argue with them at all. And here is where unconditional positive regard came in: I believed them. Because when I am being authentic with my clients, it is easier to feel that they are being real with me, too.

I told them, “I believe you. I really do. However, here is the thing—this is how it is coming across, and I wonder if other people in your life feel the same way. Maybe they think you are trying to argue or confront them when really, you are just trying to communicate something important.”

This was a pivotal moment, as one of my client’s goals was to come across as less of a “jerk” to others. This insight landed powerfully, and it gave us something tangible and exciting to work with—how my client’s communication style might be affecting their relationships. From there, our connection deepened, and our work together became more meaningful.

This type of meta-processing, a concept rooted in Gestalt therapy, is incredibly valuable. Meta-processing is when we take a step back from the content of what is being said and look at the process. It is not just about what we are saying, but how we are relating to each other in the moment, and how we are making one another feel. By reflecting on the dynamics of our interaction, I can offer clients real-time feedback on how they might be coming across to others, helping them become more aware of patterns that may be impacting their relationships.

The beauty of these conversations is that they are not rooted in judgment—but curiosity instead. What is happening between us? How do we feel about it? And how can we use this awareness to create change? This type of reflection can be hard to come by in everyday life, where people often get defensive or dismissive when confronted with uncomfortable truths. However, in the safety of a therapeutic relationship, I strive to offer feedback with compassion and curiosity, helping my clients to feel understood, seen, and accepted.

When I work with my clients, I do not just want to help them “fix” a problem. I want to give them a relationship that models honesty, care, and real connection—something they can use to inform and transform their relationships outside the therapy room.

If you are ready to explore these kinds of authentic, courageous conversations, I would be honored to walk alongside you. Together, we can build a relationship that is grounded in curiosity and unconditional positive regard, one that helps you discover more about yourself and improve your relationships with others. Reach out for a free consultation, and let us see if we are a good fit for this journey.

You can also read more of my blog posts on this website, or on lisachentherapy.com where you can learn more about my practice and book a free 20 minute consultation!